


The View from Here

by endemictoearth



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-24
Updated: 2014-02-24
Packaged: 2018-04-09 09:44:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4343702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endemictoearth/pseuds/endemictoearth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fic from Archie's POV in 2.02, explaining his reason for staying 'under the radar.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	The View from Here

**Author's Note:**

> Written from a prompt on Tumblr:   
> http://endemictoearth.tumblr.com/post/77682908822/

When you live in your head, guarding a secret, you become very observant. Sometimes you can identify fellow head-dwellers. A smirk at a comment, a raised eyebrow at some gesture, little things that indicate that someone else is as attuned as you are. Your interior life becomes rich and varied, but when you’re meant to be present in the world, you find yourself doing things unconsciously. You can be aware of everyone, except yourself.

Archie had been in his head so long, he didn’t know how to get out. And it had been a relief to meet Rae, who also seemed to spend most of her time upstairs, observing and overanalyzing. When she’d given him that look in the pub, that one that seemed to say, “I know, right?” he knew he had an ally. Of course, then he took it too far and almost fucked it up, but they’d found their way back to be friends, and he really did think she was his best friend. She knew his secret, and even though he’d only known her a short while, he trusted her with it implicitly. 

After he’d told her his secret, there was this rush of relief in his chest. Like he’d been holding his breath too long, and finally his lungs were filling with air.

He felt a little bit bold, a little bit brave, after finding out he really and truly did fancy fellows . So, he went out with a few more guys, never in Stamford, and Rae was there to listen to him dish, or moan, and she did so happily. He felt lucky to have met her, and was surprised but not shocked at her confession. He knew there must be a reason she was living in her head, but he was saddened to hear how hard it was for her up there.

* * *

Archie was almost as shocked as Rae that college was starting so soon. Even though he’d been checking his mail, it didn’t seem real, until it was. He was good at classes. He wanted to go to university. A GOOD university. He’d spent a year imagining how wonderful his life would be in the hallowed halls of some venerable institution, punting in the river, or picnicking under a tree. The sunlight was always golden in his vision, perpetually in that hour before sunset, except for when the sky took on the perfect romantic gloom of a Brontë novel. He’d ride his bike in slow motion over cobblestone streets (having never experienced this, he didn’t realize how his bollocks would feel about this part of his fantasy). He would go to lectures and swelling music played while a fit, young, passionate professor made a brilliant point about Alexander the Great. When he finished his speech, the lecturer would toss his wavy chestnut locks and look straight at Archie with a wink. Everything would be perfect at university; he just knew it.

He held that vision of his new life so tightly, so sacred, that he let himself get sucked into the sphere of Simmy. He figured it was a case of “keep your enemies closer.” If he blended in, stayed under the radar, he’d make it through to his lovely new life at uni unscathed. And how better to elude the radar than swimming right alongside the enemy submarine? 

He didn’t even recognize his own laughter. It sounded foreign in his ears. They were all laughing at Rae, but surely he wasn’t. He was just on auto-pilot, staying under the radar. But then he turned his head, and there she was. The one person who knew, who accepted him without question, turning on her heel to run away. 

He called after her, but it was too late. He had hurt her. He knew, the whole gang knew, how fragile she was under her tough leather jacket. He wanted to run after her, but his feet felt stuck to the ground, like there were a hundred pieces of chewing gum on the bottom of his trainers. 

He swiveled back to the table and Simmy gave him a look that said, “What’s up with you, mate?” 

Archie just shook his head and trudged to the door. He felt like shit; he’d made Rae feel like shit. This was terrible. 

His mind went sideways in History class as he started to get nervous. What if Rae told someone about him? What if she was mad and it just slipped out? What would he do? No one else knew. His parents would be devastated. Would they find out if the school found out? How could he deny it as just a rumor? 

When the teacher called his name the third time, he snapped out of his reverie. “Glad you could join us, Mr. Tyler,” she quipped. “I was asking you what the point of rationing was during the war. If you would be so kind to favor us with an answer.”

He thought for a second. “Rationing was, like, a sacrifice. Citizens sacrificed so that troops would have more food?”

“That’s one way of looking at it. There were lots of factors that lead to the government …” Mrs. Lancaster droned on, and Archie tuned out once again. He suddenly felt a rush of shame. Bigger than the one that overtook him when Rae had caught him laughing an hour ago. His shame now was because he had spent the last hour fretting about himself. About what would happen if someone found out his secret and used it to hurt him, to hurt his golden vision of the future. Now, he tried to visualize his dream, but the only thing he saw in his mind’s eye was the hurt look on Rae’s face. 

She was living right now what he had tried so hard to avoid. She was on the radar, and it was horrible. But Archie was so used to looking out for number one, so far inside his head, that he had thoughtlessly hurt his friend. He’d made her promise, at the rave, that they would be friends, hang out together at college. But were they? Was he? He hadn’t even gone to her house to find out why she coming to school. He couldn’t find the words to articulate it to himself, but he suddenly felt trapped, trapped in his head, the safe space he cultivated to retreat from the world that didn’t understand him. He was trapped, and he couldn’t reach out to the one person who did understand, the one person who really cared.


End file.
